Stealth

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There’s lots of lingo in the homosexual and transgender world. I’ve had to learn all of this in the last few years. As much as I’m an introvert, I am also a teacher, an educator, not only of yoga and addiction, but now of what it’s like to be in a transgendered relationship. So, let me give you some first hand experience.

There are parallels in the trans world, addict world and the yoga world. I see it every day, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

My partner and I watched The Danish Girl yesterday, a film about a trans-woman in the late 1920’s. We both literally sobbed almost the entire movie because of the holy-shit-there-is-our-life-on-screen visceral feel. The movie has been criticized for sure, for not going deep enough. It’s a 2 hour film dudes, you can’t cover everything!  For me, what moved me so much was the relationship between husband and wife and how that shifted with the transition; the impact, the loss, the transcending, resilient love.

For some homo’s and tranny’s, as I affectionately refer to those like me and my partner, the whole goal is to be “stealth”. Meaning, to pass, to not be found out, to live among without anyone knowing anything. This is a very touchy subject for some, and it’s highly individual. For us, we feel there is nothing to be ashamed of, there is nothing to hide. For some tranny’s, any reference AT ALL to the birth name and gender the body was born in is repellent and highly offensive. One of the greatest things about my partner is the openness of talking about the full circle of it all. There is no hate of the manifestation of the person before the transition.  She no longer fits in this body that my partner always knew was a he. But she’s still there, in bits and pieces. I see her, and we joke about how she shows up in our lives. The energy it takes to hide a life can be exhausting: statistics say at least 41%, probably more, of trans and homo folks spend years hating themselves and committing suicide, or at least wither and suffer unending.  Lots more could be said here, but I’ll save it for another time.

In the addict world, there are tremendous efforts as well to hide the addiction, to be stealth.  We’ve recently been watching Nurse Jackie and it reminds me of all the lies and double lives I’ve lived, all to protect my hit. God, I am SO GLAD I am not in that anymore!!! I am extremely fortunate, as I should have croaked more than a few times.

In yoga, too, I see people attempting to be stealth.  The efforts taken to hide the low self esteem and judgment of self and others, the false bravado and constant fishing to stroke the ego because their inner well is barren. The presentation is not what lurks beneath the surface and I see it on their faces. I see it in how they hold their bodies and where they put their mats.

One of the greatest things in my life has been to witness so many “coming out”. Whether it’s sexuality, addiction, or self awareness and growth, people have come to me to get honest. The relief I see wash over them as they finally let go of hiding is nothing short of witnessing Grace.

I have come out in Queer-dom, addiction, and seeing my truth on the mat. I have no desire to be stealth. What you see is what you get with me.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!!

🙂